Last Three Days

Last three days in Kachhnaar 24.

End of the year and I still don't know how to spell my hostel's name but that is incidental.

Today has been a good long day. I sit in the middle of the mess and just think back to the last nine months.(Funnily, exam time pushes me into the 'reflecting' mood!).

From the first nights curled up on my bed, grumbling some of the choicest swear words cursing the unreasonable seniors who wouldn't stop ragging us to missing home to gathering reels of this 'oh so fast moving' motion picture in my head, this room has seen it all.

From shamelessly scarring its poor walls with my wrath in the form of the hideous blotches of paint I still call art to scribbling randomly on the white of the wall to dusting the shelf carelessly in the name of cleaning it.

Never realised a room could have such a cool existence!

Between the many nights I have sat up trying to sort relationships, clutter on the table(not so much, though!) and my mind and oversleeping on holidays to rushed days to packing excitedly 12 days before going home for the term break, I have 'lived' so much right here.

From perfecting the art of copy pasting to bitching to howling to laughing like retarded juveniles. And tears roll down the (n-3)th time tonight as I prepare to make peace with the fact that atleast now it shall be cleaner(hopefully)!

The sudden breaking into a 'hurt my neck the next day' mad dance to leaving the bed undone because, what the hell, it was going to get undone when I plonk on it later anyway! From switching off the main lights of the neighbour's room while she was inside, knocking on neighbour's neighbour's while she slept and running back at the speed of light only to slip in my room, I have been 10 again, 20, 50 all right here.

From 'Sana live heeya' to yellow post its on the door to vulgar puppets to unread newspapers left stuck in the door to broken locks in the 2nd week of inhabitation to new found friends.

From forced tea parties, orgies (well only one!), avoiding friends after fights to smoky party hidings.

From reading till I slept and repeated play lists and kettle cleaning and endless shots of doppio to poems on my laptop written on my clothed table to finding myself.

To hurriedly leaving it. Hurriedly but as hesitantly...

Of Regrets And Changes

Change is inevitable.

And involuntary is the period it takes for things to change.

Just like death and lost friendships.

All you can do is stand in the corner of the room, cry, shriek or observe the numbness that speaks to you from across.

When expectations are met from the unexpected, and the expected doesn't happen, people just become that much more important or not.

And how much ever you may fight it, the laws always win. You DO move on. Maybe not today but soon enough to make you laugh about how trivialties troubled you and wasted your time.

Life is too short and unpredictable to bother about grudges, attitudes and bleary eyes.

Growing up is not fun. Period.

The Blower's Daughter

'And so it is, just like you said it would be. Life goes easy on me most of the time.' Blower's Daughter, Damien Rice

Probably too easy. That is why I am the complainer, whiner, puler and what have you.

I'm in one of those spaces today where I want to just be. You know the feeling, when all around you is going fine and you are having a good time, you can't complain because things are all hunky dory. Atleast on the surface they are. And I don't want to scrape to see the inside, but by saying that you just know I have, don't you?

And the doc just can't put a finger on it.

People change. The jigsaw finds a new fit but misses being the old picture too. Not that the new picture you are building is not nice.Hmm.

Idealism can leave you very sour when you experience reality. Though that doesn't mean you be the stuck up no nonsense person, because its idealism that gives you the power to enjoy yourself when you want to. With those very 'profound' words I shall leave and enjoy my last cup of black coffee for the night.

As a very wise person just told me, nights are very bad for your head. They bring out the maximum gas within you!

Happy holi, God bless.

The Aftermath

I just got dissed by Sarika about how I am and I quote "A pseudo art house wannabe"

Her exact words after the super enlightening prophecy were "I think you should rename your blog FARTHOUSE!".
Yay!
Besides the point, here is my state of mind today:

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "How do you do?"
They're really saying "I love you"
I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world

Ya you can say I am a schizo, well so am I!
But seriously it feels a lot nicer to have things clarified between friends and it is infact a wonderful feeling to see a lot of people care for you unconditionally, beyond what you could ever imagine. Ofcourse there are times when I feel low and farthousy but then the realisation that I am a lot better off than most people makes it all worthwhile.
Ok enough gas, probably more than you can handle.
I wont say its not wierd because it is still a lot wierd and not all hunky dory.Having to realise that things in the real world are never perfect. But then what is perfect except a state of mind.Hmm. Quite dissilusioning but as a good friend keeps saying "Well boohoo to you then, get your ass up and do your work!"
Buh bye

Chaos

Super depression (I think it has just become a fashion statement for wannabe coolios like me but what the heck) leads you to write this in class.
Let me warn you I have done this before and I think the results are always (not) perfect but thats old news!
Embryo. Speed. Sponge. Liquid. Spores. Cotton. Weed. Stop. Breathe. Distance. Blood. Brother. Room. Claustrophobia. Obviousness. Steps. Monkeys. Slide. Absolut. Courtyard. Ladies. Lock. Stop. Boredom. Nonsense. Music. Noise. White. Space. Teal. Psychedelia. Hash. Fumes. Breathlessness. Swollen. Pregnant. Gravid. Puke. Brain. Dead. Schizophrenia. Freedom. Person. Men. Women. Self. High. Low. Kill. Killed. Little girl. Altruism. Selfish. Ploy. Innocence. Walls. Lights. Many. Stars. Yellow. Clarity. Fuzzy. Happy. Blitzkrieg. Orange. Stop. Change. Smell. Decay. Death. Eggs. Flu. Musk. Friend. Sex. Ghore. Phlegm. Shakespeare. Marlowe. Faust. College. Lost. Found. Lost again. Conversations. Nicotine. Hidden. Coffee. Black. Acid. Burn. Lard. Ugly. Lips. Nice. Farce. Azure. Skies. Fly. Away. Alone. Cliches. Poetry.

Too Much Time

Between 784 (at the last count) project submissions that are due and 386 mugs of black coffee, life sure looks uppitty up. Amandeep is leaving for Chandigarh tomorrow, was boarded out of MICA.
Life is just that good.
I am extremely homesick. And am not even sure if I want to go home. I don't know. For now it's just me and Kachhnaar 24... my last few days here in my beloved sty.
Someday I shall tell you about what it took to make the sty what it is today.
I want my friend back... boohoohoo.
Mood: Extremely stagnant, a hybrid of irritable,angry, dissappointed and wierd
State of mind: Could kill to go back to 8 and a half months earlier
Music: Where is my mind- The pixies

It's P.M.S Time

It's so easy for people to say they are different from you and just let go.
The context is of no consequence whatsoever. A mere sentence can give you a bad taste in the mouth permanently. And it's funny how it just takes a pebble to break a glass door which when tried to be fixed shamefully shows a crack. Corny as it may sound I can't describe it better. Lack of creativity may be blamed.
I am a slow learner but am learning. And more importantly I can live with that.